Usually at this time of Year, we search out Ms. Aphelia Boddy, the infamous Farringdon Astrologer, and persuade her to give us the benefit of her Astrological Predictions for Village Residents in the coming year.

Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, Ms Boddy is unavailable so, more in desperation than hope, we were desperate enough to accept the offer from a distinguished? former diplomat and resident of Farringdon The Hon. Hugo Gandersnatch to provide us with his: Brexit Almanac for 2019.

Please Note: The following is entirely the work of the Hon. Hugo Gandersnatch and does not necessarily indicate the views of the ‘Biz’ Managerial Team the Editor, the Office Cleaner or the Production Team or the Photographic Department of this web site.
The views expressed are entirely the responsibility of the Hon. Hugo Gandersnatch and any complaints, corrections, financial losses, personal problems, unsightly rashes or litigation resulting from this Almanac should be directed to the aforementioned if you can find out where is residing at the present time although there are rumours that he and his wife Sybil are negotiating the purchase of a new house in the Sump Meadow Estate.
N.B. - Following a request from Sybil Gandersnatch,( the wife of the Hon. Hugo , older residents will remember her captivating performances at many Farringdon functions before the new guidelines were introduced) we would also like to make clear that Sybil has made no contribution to this article and is in no way supportive of the views expressed by her husband.

Nothing happens in the first two weeks of the year due to prolonged New Year Celebration hangovers and ongoing mainline upgrades by Network Rail which prevent anyone travelling in or out of the Capital by rail until the middle of January.

Reports of a Drone near the House of Commons prove difficult to confirm but the general consensus indicates that it was false alarm, initiated by the voice of an irritating BBC parliamentary correspondent.

The correspondent was giving a long winded report from Parliament Green and the persistent whine was understandably confused with the singularly annoying sound emitted by a low flying drone.

Guards on South West Trains go on strike and Jacob Rees-Mogg returns from his holiday in Constantinople. The Democratic Unionist Party objects to the backstop, the silly mid on and the third slip on the Irish Border.

Jerry Corbyn denies reports from lip readers that he called PM Terry May a stupid woman for the second time. He claims the words he used were “Incompetent Cretins” he is then forced to deny reports that whatever it was he said was directed at his at his own front bench.

 

A group of Cretin activists assemble on parliament green to protest the use of the word “Cretin” as an insult. However, their efforts pass unnoticed as the general public can’t differentiate between the genuine Cretins and various other Pro and Anti Brexit groups who have been demonstrating more of less continuously from the same spot for the last few months.

Guards on South West train go on strike but nobody notices due to overrunning engineering works at Ash Vale. There is another round of Cabinet resignations.

A vote of no confidence in the Current Government fails to gain support as no one is certain who are members of the current Cabinet following another round of resignations and reappointments.

Boris J. sets off on a tour of Britain in yet another red brexit bus emblazoned with a suitably misleading slogan and at almost the same time Vinny Cable waves off in a remain bus emblazoned with a similarly misleading slogan.

Both set off on a tour of the British Isles to promote their campaigns. Unfortunately neither of them get very far after they have a head on collision. Although there are no serious injuries each blames the other for the resulting disaster but other events are catching the attention of the general public.

The rail network is paralysed after maintenance works by Network Rail shorts out all signals within 100 miles of Waterloo (the station not the battlefield) and most other main line railway stations in the Capital.

Incidentally this event may have coincided with a strike by Guards on South West Trains and possibly Anglia Trains as well but no one is sure.

After a series of claims and counter claims to shed the blame for the campaign bus collision (see March) it is revealed that in their enthusiasm to promote their European credentials, the remain campaign decided to appoint some foreign incompetent by the name of Jarnier as their driver and, due to a combination of language difficulties and misunderstandings, at the time of the collision he was driving on the right, or in this particular case, the wrong, side of the road.

 
We have now officially left Europe, or possibly not, although nobody is certain if this is a hard or soft Brexit but the Ulster Democratic Party object to the long leg and of course, the backstop just in case.

The Guardian exclusive reveals Nicola Trout has demanded another referendum on Shortish independence and has also claimed that her country has moved closer to Europe,

Nobody is sure where although the general consensus is that it has remained somewhere beyond Carlisle.

South West Train Guards go on strike in case nobody noticed the one held in the previous month (see pretty well every month).

There are severe problems with cross channel ferries caused by congestion in the Dover Calais area of the English Channel as a large number of small inflatable craft are circling as their occupants are unsure whether to attempt to land in England or go back to France.

The Prime Minister attempts to travel to Strasbourg but due to the ferry situation uses a well known budget airline which deposits her with no baggage in Brussels.

By the time she gets to Strasbourg the European Union Flying Circus have gone on tour and are back in Brussels.

In an unconnected incident Nigel Farage is re-elected as leader of YouKip after he is made redundant from the European Parliament and forced to live in penury on his EU pension and redundancy pay, a sum sufficient to pay off the national debt of a small country.

A large fleet of small inflatables evacuate huge numbers of foreign visitors to our shores from the Beaches of Dunkirk while the Border Agency Fleet is in Harbour for the May Bank Holiday.

Much to the surprise of most Farringdon residents, the nation, and the Farringdon W.I. a clerical error by the brexit negotiators results in the establishment of a hard border between Lower and Upper Farringdon.

Sited halfway up Shirnall Hill the gates are guarded, in the absence of any spare military personnel, by trainees from the Third Foot and Mouth civil war re-enactment group, armed with pikes, halberds and selection of unreliable muskets.

After the initial confusion villagers, postmen, brewers drays the Farringdon W.I. and some home delivery services realise there is no backstop and bypass the border via Church and New Road thus circumventing the border guards and import tariffs.

One infamous parcel delivery firm is hasn't noticed by the new border and continues to deliver parcels at random, leading to the usual confusion as recipients continue to hunt for their packages in gardens, neighbours’ property and, at peak times, the bus shelter on Gosport Road.

It is possible that one or more of the regional railway companies Guards are on strike but it is difficult for some commuters to differentiate between strike affected and normal services.

Donald Trump confuses world leaders by posting a coherent twit on #realdonaldtrump although this is only a temporary aberration and is swiftly followed by a more characteristic rant about erecting another wall, “...to prevent SNOWFLUKE LIBERALS entering the USA from CANNIDDER . .”

To avoid any cross border incidents the Parish Council are advised to hold their occasional meetings in a in the no mans’ land between the Upper and Lower Farringdon customs post barriers.

As the New Village Hall is still in the negotiation stages, the first meeting is held a month late in a tent borrowed from an Alton Scout Troop.

The meeting is brought to an abrupt halt when the Councillors find themselves exposed to the elements after a passing agricultural vehicle, the driver apparently being unaware of the new border crossing, drives straight through and drags a tangle of barriers, the Alton Scouts’ Tent and assorted members of the Third Foot and Mouth volunteers down the Hill but leaves most of them unharmed but confused as they are scattered along the A32 in the General direction of Gosport.

The Council Meeting is abandoned and, with the exception of one member who is completely confused, the parish councillors retreat to the Rose and Crown and/or the Golden Pheasant

Following the border incident (see July) the guards are on edge and a musketeer accidentally discharges a round in the general direction of Four Marks just as the night shift are making their way up the hill to relieve their colleagues. In the confusion an exchange of fire takes place and patrons leaving the Rose and Crown and the Golden Pheasant are somewhat surprised to find it necessary to seek shelter from a fusillade of musket balls passing overhead. A unanimous decision results in a rapid retreat into their respective hostelries to discuss the situation over another pint, or possibly two.

The proper army is called in to quell the escalating situation but make the fundamental mistake of confusing the various Farringdons and head west for the Devon village. Eventually they are redirected and arrive on Shirnall Hill to find everybody involved in the incident has long gone but not before they accidentally blow up the border post for which everybody is extremely grateful. (With the notable exception of the Alton Scouts who are still looking for their tent.)

The Welsh Assembly clearly outline their position on Brexit but due to a clerical error only the version in Welsh is made available. As a result hardly anybody in the rest of the UK knows what that position is, with the exception of the few parts of Wales that speak welsh as a first language but since they generally disagree on principle with anything emanating from the Welsh Assembly the statement is largely ignored.

By now the local population has become used to being in/out (please strike out that which does not apply) of the EU and life carries on much as usual. The appropriate Rail Workers Union (dependent on which one is currently in dispute with whatever network operator over which particular operational activity.) is on strike, again but due to continuing interruptions to service (nobody is actually sure why although overrunning maintenance works at Aldershot and signal failures at Clapham Junction appear to be the current favourites) fails to make much difference to the long suffering commuters.

The Prime Minister resigns and in a somewaht optimistic statement declares the reason for her resignation is. . . “. . . To make way for a new leader to prepare for victory in the next general election. . .” 43 candidates throw their hats in the ring.

Those not wearing hats throw in a suitable substitute although nobody accepts any responsibility for an item of ladies intimate apparel among the head gear which is unfortunate, as the anonymous owner is a clear winner in the subsequent ballot. 

Boris nobly accepts defeat and offers to head a search to, “. . . find the maiden whosoever this fits . . .” although there is a suspicion is he probably knows anyway and use of the term “Maiden” may possibly be stretching the definition beyond normally accepted usage.

To add to the general chaos, lip reading activists appear united in their opinion that Jerry Corbyn accused various Tory MP’s (of the female persuasion) of being caught with their aforementioned essential accessories lowered during PMQ.

Jerry denies the accusation and claims it was a deliberate misquote compounded with confusion of a reference to the Scottish First Minister and the MP for SW Surrey.

According to the Scottish Naturists, Scotland is still neither in or out of the EU but is occupying a unique position, again, in the absence of any further information, this is generally accepted as somewhere north of Carlisle.

Everything is more or less back to normal, although the average number of resignations per month from the Cabinet is dropping as MP’s determine their options for the forthcoming general election.

Unusually none of the Rail workers Unions is on strike this month although it is believed they are preparing for a series of strikes for exceptional payments for subterranean operation when Cross rail eventually becomes operational.

The Former Prime Minister is preparing to hand over to her successor but has to muddle on for a few more weeks after the previous result (see September) is declared invalid.
This is in part due to the fact that Boris has been unable to successfully identify the owner of the item in question as his research was cut short when he is (temporarily) held in custody after a series of allegations following his research conducted in the members bar, the cabinet room and the Purple Parrot Club* in his constituency.

* Not to be confused with the infamous Purple Parrot Gentlemen’s Club in a neighbouring Parish, of which the Hon. Hugo was President until he left Farringdon rather hurriedly following the unfortunate incident with the trombone, Ms Henrietta Plunkett-Remington and the bicycle clips .

An out of control bonfire sets fire to the Liberal Party after both members attend the same firework celebrations. Initial concerns for their welfare prove unfounded as, in common with their party policy the apparent conflagration proves to be more smoke than fire.

The Prime Minister continues in office while the party attempts to organise a second election to determine her successor.

Most United Kingdom residents are still unsure whether we are in or out of the EU with the notable exception of Northern Ireland who are even less sure but to be on the safe side are now demanding an investigation after they accuse the backstop, leg slip and extra cover of ball tampering.

Nigel Farage resigns as leader of YouKip after allegations of financial shortcomings and it the revelation that he has formed an alliance with Tony Blair to campaign for the Presidency of the EU.

Another rail strike is threatened but by now the effect is minimal as most commuters have made alternative transport arrangements to access the Capital during working hours.

The year draws to a close much as it began, we are still in or possibly out of the EU.

The Tory Party is still more or less led by the Prime Minister although, by now, almost every Tory MP has been in or out of the cabinet at least once since the last General Election.

Jerry Corbyn attempts to deny the latest allegations against him but is struggling to evade the various accusations made after he he and Diane Abbot are spotted in the Blue Parrot Club (see October) with Tony Blair, The Russian Ambassador and Nigel Farage.

The DUP are in complete disarray when they are completely confused by a Googly bowled by the EU which knocks all three stumps out of the Irish Border, evades both the wicket keeper and the backstop and rolls across the boundary resulting in disciplinary action from UK Customs and Excise, the EU and both the Catholic and Protestant Church. Sinn Fein would have joined in but they are totally confused by the cricket terminology and retreat to the pavilion.

It is officially confirmed that Scotland has remained somewhere north of Carlisle although there are reports suggest that, “ . . .Not another one! . . .” is the majority response to demands for another independence/brexit or any other sort of referendum.

Another strike by the Guards on our regional train company passes completely unnoticed as Network Rail manage to completely isolate our region from the National Rail Network after plugging Cross Rail into the wrong socket.

An attempt to sabotage the Farringdon Over 60’s Dinner by political activists on the grounds of age discrimination produces the only moment of Parliamentary Union when the proposal is unanimously overruled by Remainers, Brexiteers the Tory Liberal and Labour Parties and The Greens (although they were proposing a shift to a vegetarian menu) and, to the surprise of everybody the DUP although this might be due to their current state of confusion after that googly.(see above) Nobody bothered to ask the opinion of either the Welsh or Scottish Naturist Parties