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CAPRICORN
(Dec 22nd - Jan 20th)
 Your
relief that Christmas is over is soon negated by the unexpected complications
arising from events at the New Years Party. Your spouse denies saying
anything untoward but is heavily implicated by others who were present.
You concoct a magnificent plan to restore confidence but have concerns
over the capability of some of those involved to carry the thing through
to a successful conclusion before any litigation ensues. Your health
is generally good after you decide to ignore yet another tabloid scare
relating to poached halibut, brown rice and full cream milk. Your lap
dancing career takes off after encouragement from a close ally and you
are able to improve your financial situation as a result. Do not allow
any one to interfere with your hellebores and keep your recreation areas
in tip top condition to avoid any problems later in the year.
AQUARIUS
(Jan 21st - Feb 19th)
 By
leaving the new year party early you could not have been involved in
the unfortunate events after midnight. This is just as well as you become
embroiled in the fallout from the WI outing in the summer although,
to be fair, after three brimming glasses you were not entirely responsible
for what followed. An interfering relative exacerbated the situation
after appearing in an interview on a daytime chat show without their
spectacles. A brief sojourn abroad restores your confidence and broadens
your horizons. Your health outlook is excellent apart from a slight
irritation that soon clears when left alone. Financially your outlook
is satisfactory providing you are careful to remain discreet. Remember
to watch out for lily beetles and maintain your moisture levels in the
hot weather, often a quick squirt is all that is needed to prevent premature
senescence.
PISCES
(Feb 20th - March 20th)
 Your
social life is on the up after you become acquainted with a stranger,
due to an distortion in Saturn it is impossible at this stage to accurately
define how strange. This meeting will influence your views on two closely
linked topics, the Spice Girls and chronic bowel disorders. Apart from
a slight setback around Lady Day the year ahead seems to hold no problems
until late in December when an unexpected Christmas Card arrives bringing
news of a long forgotten holiday relationship. Your health is generally
good apart from the usual problem and your finances are in reasonable
shape after they recover from the January sales, although you should
avoid any long term investments in shorts particularly in the winter
months. Resist the temptation to tamper with a friends Hellebores as
it may lead to difficulties, maintain your pH levels at all costs and
replace any broken drain covers before the end of March
ARIES
(Mar 21st - Apr 20th)
 After
the events of last year things can only get better, at least you and
your spouse are now communicating without the necessity of a third party.
Your exemplary behaviour at various parties over the festive season
has paid dividends even allowing for your unexpected appearance on a
live webcam in close proximity to a premises not normally patronised
by respectable citizens. Your libel suit against the local web site
foundered after it was discovered one of your offspring had tampered
with your connections. Your health may give cause for concern after
you are put on a course of experimental treatment for your little problem.
It becomes much expanded problem and is causing some embarrassment in
public places. Things will undoubtedly improve when the cold weather
sets in. Your finances suffer a setback after a fluctuation but with
prudence you can avoid any serious problems on the financial front.
Your begonias will need careful attention before flowering and care
should be taken with the pruning shears in warm weather, on no account
should you over indulge in the shrub borders.
TAURUS
(APR 21st - May 21st)
 Oh
dear, a severe occlusion in your planets will cause perturbations in
your relationships with the opposite sex, these will not be easily explained
and you would be well advised to choose your words very carefully, particularly
in the latter part of the month. The strong influence of Venus could
be nullified by the equally strong influence of Stella Artois, affecting
your capacity for clear and decisive decision making when a crisis arrives
one lunchtime. You are advised to skip the starter and go straight into
the main course and to avoid the spotted dick when Pluto is in the ascendant,
rhubarb pie on a bed of custard would be the preferred choice. Your
close proximity to Aries will mean that your finances will also be subject
to fluctuations, especially after a heavy meal. A calming influence
will appear in September or early October and although things will take
some time to firm up, you will be able to maintain a confident stand
again by the middle of December. Your enthusiasm for herbaceous perennial
brings some reward in the summer but an early frost knocks off your
fuschias and you would be well advised to protect any soft growth before
the onset of winter.
GEMINI
(May 22nd - June 22nd)
 Everything
is looking good as you move into the New Year and your planets are well
positioned for the year to come. Mars and Jupiter are likely to remain
in place throughout the year with some minor orbital perturbations due
to the proximity of Yaris which might, in turn, create one or two minor
problems until Vectra is in the ascendant. Your health is excellent
until you suffer a slight injury after an object, thrown during a party
political broadcast, rebounds off the television. Only a few stitches
are required but the repercussions rumble on throughout the summer although
you will recover fully before the end of the year. A foreign influence
causes severe financial problems until you discover a cloned credit
card is financing a dodgy property developer in eastern Europe. Your
account is eventually refunded and your finances are more stable from
then on. Unfortunately your habit of verbally abusing any eastern Europeans
drops you into a spot of bother when your holiday flight makes an unscheduled
landing in Albania. You are eventually released just in time to transfer
to Athens for the flight home. Your hanging baskets should be watered
regularly and you should pay careful attention to your Clematis to avoid
a recurring mildew problem.
CANCER
(June
23rd - July 23rd)
This could be an uncertain year for you, there is no clear indication
as to whether your stars are in the ascendant but with Orion entering
into Cassiopeia there could be some serious explaining to do before
the year is out. Travel will feature largely in your plans for the coming
year although you would be well advised to resist the temptation to
answer the telephone whilst driving and to avoid the services travelling
west on the M27, particularly when you should be travelling east on
the M3. Your ambitions will suffer a setback after a party in late June
but the person in question is persuaded not to pursue litigation and
you are able to rise above any adverse publicity. You are strongly advised
to be cautious about any financial investments in Spanish property as
to the best of my knowledge the city of Barcelona is not selling off
the the Cathedral for conversion into holiday timeshare apartments.
Your devotion to your Chrysanthemums brings unexpected rewards as your
expertise in mollusc control boosts your social standing in the village.
However your brassicas are something of a disappointment.
LEO
(July 24th - Aug 23rd)
Any improvement on last year is almost inevitable and now the court
case is behind you you can resume your social life with only a moderate
stain on your character. This will inevitably cast a blight on your
relationships but a new experience brings you personal satisfaction
with out any fear of legal complications. Your outlook is definitely
on the up but an intrusion in Camberley dents you rear passenger door
and the front spoiler. A persistent planning application may cause some
concern but this is refused and you are able to concentrate on your
other interests. Investments made some years ago are finally showing
promise although this is to be expected when you reach pensionable age.
The outlook financially is generally satisfactory since the the Child
Support agency have lost your records and an inheritance is possibly
forthcoming before the year is out. Dandelions continue to be a problem
and a surfeit of squirrels could decimate your tulips unless you take
preventative action.
VIRGO
(Aug 24th - Sep 23rd)
 You
will be overjoyed when your plans come to fruition but you would be
well advised to exercise caution in the more delicate areas. You will
be the centre of attention when a National newspaper reveals the connection
between a close relation and a political scandal involving two senior
government advisors, some dubious underworld characters, an unknown
number of exotic dancers and the Executive Editor of "Vegetables
Can Be Fun" magazine. This will boost your social standing in the
village but may not improve your chances of being voted in as Chairman
of the Mid Hampshire Methodist Society, especially as the outgoing Chairman
is the Executive Editor of "Vegetables Can Be Fun" magazine
(available monthly from disreputable newsagents or by mail order
under plain wrapper). Financially a deal with one of the less intellectual
tabloids gives your income a healthy boost and an appearance on Judy
and the Dick's daytime television programme opens the door to a number
of lucrative financial deals. Your climbing roses should be protected
from blackspot and remember to change the water in the bird bath regularly
in the summer months.
LIBRA
(Sep 24th - Oct 23rd)
 Your
capacity for seeing the best in people is sorely tried after you become
involved in the unfortunate events at the Flower Show. The discovery
of a Tesco label on one of the exhibits causes some disquiet as the
article in question certainly did not originate from a supermarket shelf,
the same can not be said about another entry in the competition and
a number of heated exchanges is the result, until the culprit is revealed
to be a very close relative. Your reaction in public is commendable
but the situation at home is a more than a little uncomfortable until
the culprit is exiled to a lonely spot on the south western extremities
of the Isle of Wight. This relieves domestic pressures and you are able
to continue with your more exotic practises without fear of interference.
The affair causes some financial set backs but you will make a reasonable
recovery by the end of the year. Do not neglect your regular weeding
and remember to apply at least 3oz sq yd of a proprietary pharmaceutical
product readily available by e-mail to keep your Hollyhocks firm and
upright in adverse conditions. ON NO account stand downwind during this
application as the material can give rise to misunderstandings if ingested.
SCORPIO
(Oct 24th - Nov 22nd)
 The
planet between Saturn and Neptune is a constant problem for Scorpios,
its movements are unpredictable and asteroids often intrude in the area
causing prolonged periods of perturbation, which is probably the reason
you committed the faux pas at the New Year party (see Capricorn),
this combined with more than a touch of deja vu causes repeated accusations
of je ne sais quoi. Problems with the neighbours are easily resolved
by fitting net curtains to the bathroom windows. Your year starts well
but thereafter things are a little unpredictable ( see 'perturbations'
above ) . Beware strangers bearing gifts, a repetition of the incident
with the reindeer and a stroppy inhabitant of the North Pole two years
ago will nullify your no claims bonus. Financially you have no worries
although you may have to allow for slightly increased expenditure this
year due to an unexpected rise in the cost of basic necessities, especially
during opening hours. You must avoid over confidence with your beetroot
but the unusual spelling of your anturineums confuses the judges at
the summer show.
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 23rd - DEC 21st)
 Your
skills are much in demand later in the year after it becomes general
knowledge that you can talk to the long dead, however you are unlikely
to be called to address the members of the Local Labour party again
and you would be well advised to find a new outlet for your energies.
The Summer months are particularly satisfying although you may encounter
some minor irritation in the autumn, this will not persist for too long
if you lay off it for a bit. Justice brings its own rewards but someone
has to pay and in this case you are forced to make a contribution, albeit
gaining the support of the nation, collecting
a fine and three penalty points after an ill judged manoeuvre adjusts
the position of two speed cameras north of Aldershot so that 8,527 speeding
tickets are issued to small jet transports approaching Farnborough airfield.
Apart from that unexpected outlay your finances remain more or less
in the black with the aid of a little constructive accounting. Broad
beans are likely to do well this year and a traditional hot bed will
provide you with countless opportunities to try something exotic.
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