Aphelia Boddy, Farringdons' foremost astrologer,
has been resurrected from the barstool of a nearby hostelry and sobered up sufficiently to give us the dubious pleasure of her
ASTROLOGICAL PROGNOSTICATIONS
for Farringdon residents in 2007

CAPRICORN (Dec 22nd - Jan 20th)

  The year begins with a bang when the fat busting grill you were given for Christmas explodes just minutes into the new year when someone accidentally shuts it on your handbag. Although the damage is concentrated on a small area, the unfortunate (see Cancer) occupying the bathroom immediately above is surprised from beneath and remains standing until March. A slight altercation is likely in May, when your Boom-Boom® Sat Nav system, which your spouse maintains is infallible, directs you down a slipway into the Solent. The situation is complicated further when the harbourmaster requires stitches after he is struck by the Boom Boom® as it ricochets off your spouse. No charges result as the Policewoman decides that your plea of extreme provocation is entirely justified. Your finances remain liquid throughout the coming months providing you keep your assets well covered until the spring.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21st - Feb 19th)

  A reasonably quiet festive period is shattered after you are awoken by screams of agony on New Year's Day after your neighbour's appliance detonates in the first few minutes of the New Year (see Capricorn) The subsequent disruption of your sleep patterns sets a precedent for the early part of the year exacerbated by chronic flatulence. Giving up your organic fibre diet improves the situation and the resulting stabilisation of your hormone levels resolves the other slight difficulty. firming up your prospects for the rest of the year. Financially, 2007 should be one of the best since 2006, providing your house isn't revalued for the community charge before this years demand is issued. Avoid involvement with any one wearing a pink kilt other wise your credibility in the village may suffer.

PISCES (Feb 20th - March 20th)

  With the water sign in the ascendant and the twins moving perilously close to your nearside wing mirror you would be well advised to find somewhere else to park you car overnight but, with your stress factor as its current level, you would also be well advised to make a note of the location to prevent additional harassment when you set off for work in the morning. On the whole 2007 will be a quiet year, at least until March when you are finally fitted with a digital hearing aid on the NHS. The new world this opens up is shattered when you realise the faint vibration you could just hear without digital assistance is a reformed boy band being played continuously and at high volume by one of your offspring. You find the batteries of your appliance last an amazingly long time if you only use it occasionally. Your financial status is boosted by an unexpected windfall when a neighbours tree destroys your patio. The rebuilding is much cheaper than the insurance company calculated as a scruffy acquaintance of your neighbour (seeTaurus) just happens to have a complete patio in Yorkshire stone available at a knock down price leaving you enough money to cover the necessary monetary compensation that will be required when your offspring discovers a mutilated boy band CD stuck to the bottom of the dustbin

ARIES (Mar 21st - Apr 20th)

  I find it difficult to predict any future for you at all unless you can finds some acceptable excuse for your appalling behaviour at the home of your spouses parents on New Years Day (no links are posted here to avoid further embarrassment). While some allowance con be made for the cumulative effect of the major part of a bottle of wine, two stiff whiskies and several glasses of champagne, the sight that confronted the homeowners when they were awoken by your nocturnal activities is not one any decent person should ever have to witness. This aside, it extremely unlikely you will ever be invited again although, it also follows that unless you can restore some sort of meaningful communication with your spouse you will probably be on your own next Christmas, or possibly sooner. All is not lost however, your willingness to work late rather than face the stony silence at home earns you promotion. Your financial prospects are, unfortunately, still dependant on your ability to resolve the aforementioned domestic crisis and you would be well advised to be on your very best behaviour for the coming year.

TAURUS (APR 21st - May 21st)

  You are likely to meet a short scruffy stranger who will attempt to sell you a patio at a knock down price only a week before one of your trees destroys a similar construction in your neighbours back yard(see Pisces)A deal is struck which leaves you both in pocket and still good friends. This new mood of optimism may not last as your sign is moving into previously uncharted areas after it is stolen by a passing hooligan. You later find it has been returned but slightly altered and you wish that you had selected a house name that would not be so universally offensive if a couple of letters were rearranged. Finances are not spectacular and you would be well advised keep a little in reserve for those little unexpected demands from the Inland Revenue, HM Customs and Excise, Madame Fifi's Special Services Ltd and BT premium chat lines department.

GEMINI (May 22nd - June 22nd)

  A letter from a stranger will lead to much worry until you realise that the speed camera has photographed a different model of car with your number plate attached, Your euphoria is short lived when you find that the other motorist might have three points but that his car is correctly registered and yours is a loose affiliation of three other vehicles. Your attempt to claim recompense from the seller is unsuccessful when you find that he doesn't actually live at Massey's Folly and that nobody in Happy Valley has ever heard of a Mr A Daley. Luck is on your side when you discover that a chap closely resembling the elusive Mr Daley has just finished laying a patio in the village (see Pisces) Catching him unawares you gently persuade him to offer you a little compensation. It is your own stupid fault that, in a state of euphoria at the happy conclusion of the situation and the accompanying restoration of your finances, you pick up three points while passing a speed camera on the A303 westbound.

CANCER (June 23rd - July 23rd)

   By force of circumstance you are regarded as one of the most upright residents until the affected area becomes less sensitive (see Capricorn) the subsequent months are much easier on the feet although the occasional twinge and an aversion to unnecessary kitchen appliances remain with you. Otherwise your health is excellent, which is disappointing as your preferred topic of conversation is medical problems, generally of a personal and detailed nature, although you have avoided discussion of the New Year incident (see Capricorn) as the reaction from any recipient is rarely sympathetic even when they do stop laughing. Financially your prospects are sound, if not exciting but your obsession with the vertical relationship between the catering facilities and the upstairs bathroom has had an adverse effect on the number of party invitations you receive.

LEO (July 24th - Aug 23rd)

   Nothing can prepare you for what is to come so we will move on to April when the furore dies down and you are able to resume your normal life, albeit with a slight problem, too delicate to be discussed here, but the new ointment does seem to be effective if applied regularly and accurately. Your love life does not suffer unduly as it was pretty dire before, however a meeting with an old friend opens up new prospects as long as the ointment remains effective. Generally 2007 looks to be a good year for you providing you continue with the treatment and avoid short scruffy strangers selling motor cars (see Pisces Taurus & Gemini). Your finances will take a hammering in the latter half of the year and you are forced to conclude that there is no such thing as a certainty in the 3.30 at Kempton. Careful marshalling of your resources is necessary if you are to restore financial equilibrium by the end of 2007. Avoid Summer Magic in the 4.00 unless the handicap is favourable.

VIRGO (Aug 24th - Sep 23rd)

 Your relationships take a turn for the better when you discover that a technique you experimented with at University is universally popular. This makes you a host of new friends but leaves you exhausted by the middle of the week. Help is on hand when you discover others in the village of a like mind and similar talents. The resulting co-operative thrives until the traffic congestion begins to draw complaints from neighbours. Your health begins to suffer and you decide to reduce your working hours now that you are secure financially. Family ties drag you into a long and involved altercation with distant relatives until all is resolved when you discover that a misspelling in your Grandfathers will is the root cause of your distant cousins anguish. This still leaves the problem of rehoming the goat but this is solved when it escapes into a nearby wildlife park and is eaten by a crocodile although who should benefit from the compensation starts another row in which you refuse to become involved.

LIBRA (Sep 24th - Oct 23rd)

   As always you are at the mercy of Mars and Uranus, particularly when one is adversely affecting the movements of the other. A nasty conjunction just after Easter leaves you with some discomfort but the symptoms soon fade and the blood tests prove that there is no long longer any need for you to remain in quarantine. The asparagus is likely to do particularly well this year after you discover a simple method to enrich your compost. Unfortunately an empty school bus passes while you are in the process and the driver loses concentration and disappears up Hall Lane where, it is alleged, he was so disorientated that he drove onto the Isle of Wight Ferry and was transported into that fearsome place never to be seen again.( See below ) Be this as it may your plants continue to thrive and you reap your reward at the Summer Horticultural Show held in the Village Hall thanks, in no smallpart, to a succession of volunteers who take it in turns to hold up the ceiling. Finances are a little rocky but you should not be tempted by the offer from a gentleman in a call centre in Bangalore. Although telling him where to put his 6 months allegedly interest free loan that would be the most expensive capital you ever obtained is not the sort of behaviour one would expect from someone of your social standing.

SCORPIO (Oct 24th - Nov 22nd)

Oh dear nothing went right in 2006 did it, never mind, if one thing is certain in this life 2007 won't be any worse. You are the victim of a cluster of asteroids in conjunction with Venus. Although your denial of any involvement in the scandal that rocked the Village to its foundations ( and brought down another section of the Village Hall ceiling) has not been widely believed, your scurrilous attempt to apportion blame to otherwise innocent persons has, for the moment anyway, averted the threat of civil action by the aggrieved parties. You would be advised to keep clear of temptation in 2007 and stick to the mild.Your health looks promising, providing you can prevent the full story entering the public arena. Financially you are on safe ground, although you should avoid any unnecessary expense when your cluster is in the ascendant. Venus should be carefully watched, although take care nobody catches you on the way home from the pub.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23rd - DEC 21st)

  This could be the best year yet for those born in 2006, those born in 2007 may have to wait a bit. While the interstellar dust obscures your ascendant it is difficult to be precise but you may encounter slight difficulties on June 21st when you realise your wedding anniversary was the previous day. This will haunt you for the rest of the year unless you can find some way to make recompense for your gross error without creating enormous overdraft problems. Inspiration will give you new hope for the 2007 festive season until you realise you have just missed the birthday as well. You are saved, when just before an embarrassing and grovelling apology is delivered you realise the birthday is the following month and you have more than a passing chance for redemption. Apart from these minor difficulties you will find most things you are looking for unless you lose you glasses, which pretty well prohibits your chances of finding anything. Financially expect a windfall in October and rainfall in November with a selection of various fog densities in December. Trains are unlikely to run on time throughout the year

* Actually this is total fiction in truth he never made it through Selborne as he was attacked and eaten by the STAG tribe, a bunch of fearsome peasants that prey on passing vehicles. They have eaten so many buses that rural services have had to be seriously reduced (Back to Libra)